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soliloquy [12 Jun 2003|02:24pm]
[ mood | craving stimulation > ]

I want... a pet. (though there's nothing wrong with Ken-chan in a collar ^_~)

Maybe a dog. I had a dog when I was a kid. I'm allergic to cats. Fish don't live long enough. A hamster? Maybe a bird. Eh, I had a bird when I kid, too. The dog got to it, though. :/

Feh, I hate being indecisive. -_-

Ken-chan went out somewhere and now Ma-kun is _bored_. x___x Maybe I'll go see Tachi later. I should probably go to the store too. So I'll get groceries then go see Tachi. But that's dumb because the milk will spoil if I leave it in the car for too long. But Tachi's place is closer, so maybe I could just make a loop, drop in on Tachi, hit the store, then come home?

Which reminds me, I haven't seen Yoshiki in a while...

...argh. x_____x

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[02 Jun 2003|02:05pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Cooking with Ken-chan has its perks. *sly grin*

Only I think I owe him a new shirt now.

And we did end up burning everything.

But we found some leftovers in the fridge and made the best of it, if you know what I mean. ^_~


Tachi and his little girl may move in with us if we can find a new apartment. Which would be awesome, only I don't think the both of us would be allowed to 'cook' anymore.

At least, not in the kitchen. Aw yea. ^_~

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[02 May 2003|04:22pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

So once upon a time, I ended up getting a little tipsy (not _drunk_, mind you, just enough to make me a little braver) and went back to Ken's place. Of course it was late, and that didn't make it any less surprising I guess when he opened his door to find me standing there. :/ He didn't let me in right away though. Just kinda looked at me for a moment, and I felt like I was supposed to say something, but I couldn't think of what it was right then.

Finally, he stepped aside and held the door open for me.Collapse )

And so now things are more or less back on track. :D

I-told-you-so's don't make friends. :/ ;)

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:D [30 Apr 2003|07:04pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

life is good again i love my new place going out with ken tonight yoshiki tomorrow tachi and ken tomorrow night guitar music new music happy happy happy shit no more cigarettes and this place needs a plant or a pet or _something_

more later ja

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[15 Apr 2003|06:54pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

History has a strange way of repeating itself, huh?

I called Tachi today to see how things were going with him and his little girl. He didn't seem too pleased to hear from me though. ~_~ But damn, it's strange how his whole mood changes when you get him to talk about... oh shit, what was her name... Yuu-something. Moonchild, Moon flower? Anyway, it's adorable. He stops being Pissed Off Tachi and takes on this Fatherly Pride thing that fits him so well it's... creepy. I had to laugh at him.

Of course, the Thing between Ken and I did come up. Our conversation went something like:

him: He didn't mean what he said.
me: He should tell me that.
him: He really is sorry.
me: hm...
him: He misses you...
me: ...
him: ...and if this kills the band then I swear to God, Ma-kun...

And I laughed a little more, and he was serious. ~_~ I think we all know to what extreme Tachi would go to keep the band together, ya know?

After I hung up with him... my cell phone rang. One guess as to who it was. :P Like he was just waiting for that opportunity. And... I really did want to answer it.

But it rang, and it rang, and it rang, and all I could do was stare at the little digital screen with his name on it.

I should call him back. I think. Yes.




Or I could just go over there, throw open the door, take him into my arms and kiss him passionately. Then we'll both apologize for what we said and did between hungry kisses and end up in the bedroom where--


Probably have better luck with a phonecall...

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[07 Apr 2003|12:55pm]
[ mood | tired ]

He accused me of cheating on him. That's when I realized how hopeless it was.

"To hell with you," I muttered and walked out.

There's only so much distrust a guy can take, ya know? I think that's what hurts the most. It didn't hurt at first. There was more shock than anything else. Then anger. And now everything is just... numb.

Because I've fucked things up, and the worst part is that I don't even know what I did.

Didn’t leave a forwarding address. Took most of my things from the apartment when he wasn't there. Turned off my cell phone and everything's so quiet here.

This never should have happened.

Ken, Tachi, I'm sorry.

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[03 Apr 2003|12:24pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I... probably should have seen that coming.

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[31 Mar 2003|06:06pm]
[ mood | scared ]

I've been going over everything Yoshiki told me and I'm mentally chasing my tail. But it was nice to have someone to talk to who isn't in the middle of all of this, ya know? Unbiased advice and stuff. She's so easy to talk to. Sometimes I wonder if something might have happened between us if this thing with Ken had never started, ya know?

argh, wrong thing to be thinking of. wrong wrong wrong. ~_~

*sigh* I don't mean it. I don't mean that I'd rather be with her. I don't mean that those other people are more attractive than he is, I don't mean that they're more talented. I don't.

I don't mean that I'd rather be with anyone else. And I don't know how to get him to see that. Because I'm really not romantic. I'm charming, which makes me more _manipulative_ than romantic. But I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying so goddamn hard to help him see what he means to me, and none of it seems to be working.

And so I get a little mad now and then. I get pissed off and I leave for hours because I can practically feel him slipping away from me and it's so hopeless. I get pissed off because I'm _scared_. I've never been afraid of ending a relationship, I've never been afraid of the concept that someone would leave me, because I've never...

It's not just to salvage our friendship, it's not just for the band. The thing of it is that...

I've never... _cared_ about someone like this.

And that in itself is frightening.

I wish I was better with words.

Ken-chan, I'm begging you, please... just give me a chance.

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[18 Mar 2003|06:03pm]
The door is currently leaning against the wall off it's hinges. :x

Hey, I gave him a fair warning. :P And it's not like it can't be fixed...

Yesterday was... difficult, to say the least. ~_~ I stood outside of his room and tried all kinds of different ways to get him to come out, pleading, tempting him, threatening him, none of it worked. So, I went and got a screwdriver and knocked out all of the door nails. When I removed the door he was sitting on his bed staring at me as if he couldn't believe that I'd gone that far.

Then he got mad again. He turned away and curled up on his side, yelled at me to fix the door and to get out of his room but I decided I wasn't going to listen to him. I'd do anything he asked me to, but leaving was an exception. I sat down next to him and reached out to stroke his hair, but he batted my hand away and told me again to leave. So I took him by the arms and pulled him into my lap. He wasn't going for it at first, trying to pull away and getting angrier and threatening that if I didn't let him go then he'd do this or that... but after awhile he just sorta, stopped. He just kinda slowed down, like everything was melting out of him and he let me hold him.

So that's what we did all night. I tried to get him to talk to me, but it wasn't quite working, and I got the feeling that there was more defeat in his letting me hold him like I was instead of an actual desire for me to. I have no idea what's gotten into him lately and I don't want to push too hard, but I've gotten used to this whole "commitment" thing. I don't want to give up just yet.

*sigh* Maybe Yoshiki would know what to do... ?
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[17 Mar 2003|12:52pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Today's Ken-chan's birthday and I can't get him to come out of his room. ~_~ I offered to take him out to lunch, but he didn't answer me. His door's locked, and I've thought about just breaking it down, but I don't want him to get any more upset than he already is. Though maybe if I just take the hinges off... ?

*sigh* I'm worried about him. The only other time I remember seeing him behave like this was after what happened between him and Tachi. I love Ken-chan, if not _love_ love, then as much as one can love their friend, ya know? And I don't want him to be in pain. But even the whole thing with him and Tachi wasn't solved without a little force...

So I'll give him a little longer, but this day won't end with him alone in his room. If he doesn't come out on his own, then that door _is_ going down one way or another.

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[10 Mar 2003|10:29pm]
[ mood | scared ]

ARGH somebody help me!! x___x

I don't know what's happening. One second we're just fine and the next he's yelling and throwing things and I don't know what I keep doing to make him so mad! o_o

Do I black out? Maybe I black out. I must black out and say or do something really stupid and I only wake up once he starts throwing the really heavy/sharp things. ~_~;;

Or maybe I don't black out and I just say or do something really stupid without even realizing it which is probably a more plausible solution but I like the first one better because then it's not _technically_ my fault...

I'm such an idiot. ><

Ken-chan, talk to me _please_! ;_;

I'm sorry, I'll do anything to make you stop throwing things happy again! ;_;

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[03 Mar 2003|02:34pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Two weeks and I'm already in the doghouse. ~_~

It was just _one word_, one little word and I didn't even mean it! ~_~;; It's habit, if I see something I like, then--

Not that I liked her. I mean, yeah, she was pretty, but it wasn't like I was going to jump her right then and there.



Long story short, I've been kicked out of the bedroom indefinitely. x_x;;;


Ken-chaaaan, I'm sorry! >< ;_;

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[17 Feb 2003|02:33am]
[ mood | loved ]

...that went... well...

At first I thought that I'd messed up completely, that I was just making things worse by trying to be romantic and take him out. At first I thought that he would get upset, maybe start yelling and lock himself in his room for the rest of the night, but...

I spent most of the day out of the apartment, screwing up my courage and thinking. Making sure that this was something that wasn't going to backfire. I'll be the first to admit that I'm fickle when it comes to relationships, and the last thing I want to do is hurt Ken-chan because of my own impulses. But the more I thought about it, the harder it was to deny that this was something just to kill time, ya know? I wanted him, I _want_ him, thinking about that kiss, the way he responded, the way he was kissing me back...

I called him to let him know that I hadn't skipped town or anything. The sun was setting by the time I returned home. I brought him a white rose and asked him to come out with me to a club that night, not really giving him a chance to say no before I dragged him out of the apartment.

It only took him a few drinks to loosen up, and before long we were having fun, laughing and enjoying ourselves as if that awkward stretch of time had never happened.

I can't remember the last time I felt so nervous. I can't remember the last time that I was so clumsy making a move on someone. There were many different instances when I could have kissed him or grabbed him or _something_, but each time I froze. I was... scared.

Suddenly he was leaning against me, whispering in my ear that he wanted to go home.

We stumbled back into the apartment around 1 or 2 in the morning, laughing at something that I can't remember now. He'd had a bit more than I did, so I helped him to his room without tripping too much, and we fell into bed together. Our situation didn't even register with me until I rolled onto my stomach and turned my head to face him a little better, and suddenly all I could smell was him.

Suddenly our proximity in _his_ room, laying in _his_ bed hit me all at once.Collapse )

He's sleeping now, but I can't for some reason. Because, regardless, it still feels like a dream to me, and that worries me. I mean, yeah, it's great, I feel lightheaded and so deeply... content. But we're in dangerous territory now. I can't afford to slip up, I can't afford to be reckless.

As I've said before, I've only wanted to protect him from the very beginning.

If I mess this up, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

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[10 Feb 2003|01:21pm]
I have four days to pull this off.

Talk about mission impossible. ~_~
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In a nutshell... [30 Jan 2003|08:51pm]
[ mood | drained ]

So Tachi's officially a father, Ken's _still_ not talking to me (Tuesday didn't go at _all_ the way I'd planned, and I've somehow become his personal slave o_o), and I think our manager is beginning to lose her patience. ~_~;

I have four prospective apartments picked out (two are clear on the other side of town, one is near the complex I used to be in, and one is a few minutes from here), and that guy I kicked the shit out of is _finally_ out of my hair. So, yay for that much of a break! @_x


One more day... ah God.

And I just realized that I haven't seen Yoshiki since... forever. o_o

Yeah... I think I'll do that. Then maybe visit Tachi and his little girl.

Gah, it's so weird saying that. He's not even 25 yet. @_x

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[27 Jan 2003|05:45pm]
[ mood | nervous ]


Tachi has a little girl living with him. o_o

He called in at work today and explained the situation to us, how'd she'd been abandoned in a park, and it seriously broke my heart. How can someone do that to their own flesh and blood? How can a mother just dump her child next to a _garbage can_ as if they're nothing more than trash? Despicable.

He said he was going to take her to the police station later today. I wonder how that went? I wonder what's going to happen to her. o_o Tachi's too young to be a father already, ya know? That'd be so strange to think of him as one.

So it was just me and Ken and Rage-san today.

...yeah. As you can imagine, rehearsal went well. -_-;;

I'm still trying to make it up to him for that horrible lapse in judgement (yelling at him, not kissing him). He said he's forgiven me, but despite what he says, I know that he hasn't forgiven me _completely_. And I don't blame him. What I did was unforgivable, and quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done to him.

Yeesh. And we're thrown back into the same pit we were in 3 months ago. Aah, but I'm not going to let it drag on as long as it did before, ya know? So tonight I have it all planned. I'm going to (attempt to -_-) cook dinner for him and get this all settled in the most romantic way possible. Because... I really do care for him. I know I shouldn't, I know it goes against everything I've said about relationships between band members, but I can't help it. Ever since the night I practically forced him to go over to Tachi's to get their own thing worked out, I've only wanted to protect him.

And ever since I kissed him, I've only wanted to... err...



So. If I can't earn his forgiveness, then I'll move out as soon as possible and just try to salvage a friendship, ya know?

I've gone off on a tangent again. I ramble so much anymore, ne? ^^;

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How can so much happen in one day? ~_~x [21 Jan 2003|11:52pm]
[ mood | ashamed ~_~ ]

So we have a great manager. Which means work is going well. Which means finances will start getting better. Which means life will get better too, ne?

But then there are those little obligatory fuck-ups...

It was bound to come to this sooner or later.Collapse )
So, I've built myself this lovely proverbial doghouse to sleep in. I tried apologizing (_profusely_) for what I said, but I think I have a way to go before I make it up to him completely.


I deserve to have my ass kicked for that.

Ken's right. I _don't_ know how to control myself. ~_~

[OOC: Grar, I suck! _-_ *passes out*]

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[19 Jan 2003|02:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Wanna hear a joke?

Q: What's short, cute, wears glasses, and used to be Bad Luck's manager?

A: Our new manager.

Funny, ne? XD

Tachi, Ken and I met with her on Friday to get everything straight, and when we asked her about her experience, she explained her time with Shindou-kun, and oh man if you could have only _seen_ the look on Tachi's face. ~_~

But she sounds like she knows what she's doing, so we hired her. ^^

Except she never really told us why she quit Bad Luck. o_o Meh, it probably doesn't make that much of a difference anyway. ^^

Besides, she's cute. That never hurts.


HA! Speakin' of! Ken hits like a girl. :P I was teasing him the other day about how scrawny he is and it turned into a "fight", if you can even call it that. XD

Which further proves the point that cute things don't hurt. ^_~

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[16 Jan 2003|11:59am]
[ mood | lazy ]

Found a flyer today about someone looking for a band to manage. Is that lucky or what?

Yeah, that's about the highlight of my week. ~_~

I think I'm gonna go out and get really _really_ wasted tonight. Haven't done that in a while. Maybe Ken would like to come. Or Tachi. Or anyone who's interested. Drinking alone isn't half as fun. Plus it makes you an alcoholic. :x

Off to hire that new manager (I don't care _who_ it is, we're desperate ~_~).

Ja. ^^

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[05 Jan 2003|11:08pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I've been poring over my bank statements lately, and... well...

I think it would have been cheaper to have just, ya know, _killed_ the guy. ><

And Tachi moved back into his apartment, which means the cat's gone too and my head feels better. @_@ Though I'm worried that Tachi's regressing back to the way he was before. Quiet and secluded and all that.

This band needs a new manager. Leaving ourselves to our own devices _obviously_ isn't working since no one's really here to help us keep business and personal matters seperate. We need help. :x Help help help.

Ken fell asleep on the couch. :x That can't be comfortable for him. He's taller than I am, so his legs are kinda draped off one end of it. I should probably wake him up and move him to his room.

It's funny. Lately it's as if the two of us only interact when one of us is asleep. Go figure. ^^;

...he's got such a cute sleeping face. It's almost a shame to have to wake him.

But he _is_ on my "bed" and I'm exhausted.

'yasumi. ^^

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